Surviving an office party requires the skill of a ninja, the patience of a saint, and the deftness of a politician. Here are a few tips on getting through.
There are two types of office parties. Boring/cheesy parties usually symbolize an occasion, like the holidays or someone retiring. Singing is generally involved, as is cake and occasionally ridiculous party games like making costumes out of toilet paper. The best way to survive this type of party is to find the organizer and shoot him, thus ensuring you will never have to be photographed with a toilet-paper veil ever again.
The second type of office party is the out-of-control rager. These are for the benefit of those who have no lives, thus the annual Christmas Blowout is the biggest event of their year. When attending this type of party, it is best to adopt an if-you-can’t-beat-‘em-join-‘em philosophy, and get tanked. It’s the easiest way to wipe the image of your boss swinging from the chandelier in tighty-whiteys from your memory.
In all seriousness, though, it’s a bad idea to get wasted at an office party. You make out with the wrong people, you insult your superiors, and you fall down frequently. It’s risky to do any of these things around the people who sign your paycheck. But, if you must get drunk, make sure you’re at least less drunk than one other person, so the attention and subsequent gossip will be about him, and not you.
Another tactic for the boring and cheesy office party is to create a surreptitious drinking game. Enlist an office buddy or two (if you don’t have an office buddy, no wonder you’re bored) and agree to take a gulp of your drink every time someone uses an office buzz-word in a party environment, such as “bottom line.” Or every time the boss calls the new guy Nathan, when his name is Norman. Even if you’re just sipping apple juice, it will entertain you while Corner Office Larry gives his thirty-minute long retirement speech.
Bottom line, though, (drink!), grin and bear it. Imagine you’re running for Congress, slap people on the back in a jolly manner, kiss the babies, and grit your teeth so hard your dentist will scold you for it. Office parties may be no fun, but think of it as another part of your job
